I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
