I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
