Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
