I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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