College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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