how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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