Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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