She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize