I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize