I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
