Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
