one two three fourrrrnication!
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
