took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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