Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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