Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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