she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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