I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize