I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
