Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
