Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
