you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
