Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
