five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize