Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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