Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
