he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
