I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
