dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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