I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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