I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
