so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
