Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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