Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
