he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
