Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
