I wannas sexs uuuuu
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
