I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
