Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
