My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
