I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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