apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
That accounts for only three of the penises
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
