I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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