More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
