Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize