youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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