I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
