turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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