i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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