dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
