I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
