2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
