I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize