Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I looked at my own cervix.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
