We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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