Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
