I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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