god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
