i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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