Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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