I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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