I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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