Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
