My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
